Wishing Stone....

Dear blog..

Lately my heart is like being torture by some uneasy feeling... feels like my heart is suffering from something.. something painful.. is this one of melancholic-depression effect? I wonder... i tried to cheer up, but sometimes i just can't. i tried to ignore.. but sometimes it just there.. came from no where and create chaos in my mind. i feels like i hate everything around me, i feel depress, anger and frustration... sometimes i'm spacing out and i don't even know what i'm thinking. my heart feel like so stuffed and i can hardly breath... i feel suffocate with all of these... some feeling i can't hide, i can't cry out...i can't just let it be..... Before, i can go through all of these by my own, but now i feel like i can't no longer stand it... i no longer can just close my eyes and forget it.. i can't do anything when i had this feeling. i feel depress....

I want to move on, but to where? I want to go back but there's no place for me back there. I'm stuck in time, stuck at no where. No one there for me... even thou they say they'll be there but in real thing, they just not there.. and if they are there, they can't do anything... "The end is near.. one day..someday... i will be "free" from all of this...." that at least how i can comfort my self... fake hopes and dreams.....

thank you..

singgin' my melancholy melody..

H.A

Sleepless days and night

Dear blog...

不眠症の日。。。 嘘だ。 昨日は、KLを行けました、 一緒に おれの友達。 昨日の昨日は(何でこれ) おれは、眠ない です。。。 「どうして おれ に 眠ないね？」 何とか、 変なね。 多分、 おれの 心は。。。 (くそ ほんとうに 難しい ね 日本語。。。いいえ 漢字はほんとうに 難しいです) ＼（－－）／ マイッタ

平仮名 は いいです でも。。。時々、 おれも 日本人も わかれません。。。。 誰か 日本語、漢字も おしえてくれ 。。。 フフフ

それだけ~~~
ありがとう。。。。。

日本語も難しいね猫さん

日本語。始め~~

Dear blog...

日本語を読んでもよいですか?日本語を書いてもよいですか? 私は日本語を読み書きできません。私の執筆における誤りがあるでしょう。 しかし、何人かの人々が私の執筆に悲しいので、日本語でまだ書いていたいです。

一つ ； 日本語の何もわかれません。
二つ； 私は日本語を勉強しません。
三つ；私はいつも日本語を話すというわけではありません。 <--(この言葉。。間違う ね？ )
四つ；たぶん、私もわけません、 この post ハハハ

それは問題ありません。

My blog

Dear blog,

Hurm, u can see, most of my post sometimes, i think all of times is nonsense, heh.. to me this blog is like my life journal, my diary or something like that. i actually don't expected much people come and read what i wrote here, coz it is not really related to many people, hahaha. This is just for people to know me, or at least to see other side of me if somehow there's people would like to make research about me.

Well sometimes i lost my self so this place also like a bar whr i could sit and bicthin' about my worries and my life. most i wrote here is something i never talks to other people. So far i knew my visitors for my blog, i mean person who continuously or sometimes come to read what i post here, hahaha i guess they just want to check in me. well thank you for visiting my blog ^^

well, i hope when you read through don't think much or don't let them effect you, hahaha. well i know some of you might think i was talking about you, well how to put it in words..hurm.... let just say, becareful when trying to go through those words, sometimes it actually might not all about you. Hahahaha..

well just don't worry, what i put in here, what i post in here mostly are being vanish or solved in my heart.. it's like i take from my heart and put it here, seal it here. this is my way for at least to put my mind at ease... and please, don't bother to worry about me...coz i always hav this blog as a shoulder that i can lean to.. ^^

that's all... thank you

H.A

Sanity vs Inasnity

*this post probably contains few curse words, so bear with it ^^

Dear blog..

I can't sleep, this feeling driving me insane.. yes i'm at the edge of sanity... might fall into insanity. I don't know why, my heart can't calm down, keep beating fast, and faster and faster, not sense of excitement, but beat with painful feeling, feeling of emptiness.. I keep listen to songs and going through the lyrics, trying hard to kills the feeling along the lyrics, but it doen't seems to be working..
Pain..empty and some feelings that i can't explain. What i did before now backfiring me, each of those feeling now backfired me merciless.. pain... empty... it suppose to kill my feeling, not to drive me to insanity. So i tried to close my eyes and imagine that i met her at this time, but... it's wont be the same, coz if she in front of me, it'll be different person, not that person who was with me... the person who was with me only now lives in my memory.. the person there infront of me just person who would have the same looks but without the feeling, and i might just stare her with cold eyes.... and inside me will be shouting to me, that's not her, not the same person as she was....
the person is gone... she's not there anymore, she's now only exist in my memory that i try to forget, the feeling that i try to forget.... why the fuck all the things turn this way?? wht the fuck!!! arghhhh.......shit this really drive me crazy.. i mean it..... i don't know how long i will be like this or how long i can stand this..... never been like this before... fuck....... i dont want her back.. i knew she don't want to be with me, that's why i doing all these.. but i miss those times... demmmitt!!! Arghhh!!!!!!

That's all..thank you...

Heh...

H.A

Emotionly Disturbed

Dear blog..

Don't know for how many nights it had been, i kept dreaming about my past time when i was either in high school, secondary high or primary school. I dream i think something that does not happen during the time or dream meeting people at that time and we keep on chatting. I even mistakenly call their name in my dreams =,=" i guess i giving my roommate creeps since he would hear i talk clearly when i actually sleeping hahaha...

Well good sleep suppose to be without dreams, and i kept having dream on the past.... is it my time already? heh. Well it's true that my emotion now is really fucking mess-up, i keep holding on my self not to break apart, hey by the way it is not because of you, hahaha don't worry, lot's of things happen actually.. and yeah not because of my family either, they're good, they are too good till sometimes i don't think i fit in with them, feels like i'm the black sheep amongst normal white and shiny2 sheeps, hahahaha. well's it's an metaphor thou, my family and me are NOT sheep ^^

well yesterday i spent my time mostly on bed... went to class then come back then i lay on bed, then wake up and went to class again and come back and went to bed. Oh i got those dreams only when i sleep at night, i mean normal sleep at night. Hurm i feeling tired lately so i try to sleep as many as i can when i got chances. Sleep can restore my energy and soul, heh..

well that's all,thank you

Yeah this picture i snapped last nite b4 went to bed
(can see how much i disturbed from my eyes)

H.A

Emotions

Dear blog..

Now i'm fighting with my emotions, lots of things happens. My gerbil lost one of his eyes, and my heart still struggle with some feeling i want to hide.. well, sometimes those feelings do comes and go, but in my case, i'm trying hard to chase away those feeling, i don't need the feeling that make me feel my day sucks...


that's all, thank you

H.A

Namida~

Dear blog...

Great, now i start to use some random words on my mind as my title for post... d'oh~ whatever me~~ shit i'm start to answer my self isn't me? omg omg omg!! ok calm down... chill, nothing can be solve if i'm panic rite? chill..... hahahah guy i must been thinking i'm start to loosing my mind rite? heh guess so... Hell nO~~ hahaaha i'm just try to came out with some comedy line here, but what's so funny about these line??? plus i'm posting this while listen to song title "namida" that mean tears in japanese, pardon me for not writing it in japanese, i lost the software to enable me to write in japanese... (the hell i'm explaining this for... =,=")

Oh well, my communication skill sucks by the way, considering i'm doing my part time job last time to improve my communication skill, but hey... there's miles away to me for even trying to communicate normally.. Yeah my sentences were mix up and all mess up and i even took lot of unnecessary words to explain simple things like trying to explain "tht thing is rice" i end up saying " oh it's a grain that being harvested and put in a pot along a potion of water and being boiled till cook" wth... well something like that, hahahaha..

well i must be really f~ing bored now till wrote these boring things... heh...

that's all, thank you~

H.A

Insanity

Dear blog..

Lately i've been talking to my self too much. Beautifully sorrowful words keeps on sprouting.. Well not all thou. But one same words came to me everyday, "How are you today?" "How's your feeling today?" and by the end of day, when it feels cold, weird words came such "Who to hell cares if i'm happy not or not , i felt those happy moments before, so when i miss being happy, just recall those moments" or " What's big deal, sorrowful heart was my choice bear with it". Well these things for me it keeps me for being sane, hahaha well to those normal people will might have it differently but i don't care, it's my own way. Even back at home as i recall i only talks a lot with my mum, others, sometimes i tried to talk to them, but my voice just can't reach them. Well soon, i can imagine how my life will be. Hahahaha well here when my friends around i talks like drunk, talk about crappy2 things, i can't really directly express what's in my heart to my friends. I'm shy, hahaaha i guess not really, just my words it too complicated. Well sometimes people notice that something wrong with me, and open their arms to me, but you know, i prefer just being with them, drinking together, sing songs together, not exactly voice out my heart.

Yeah to think again i've use to share everything with my self, talking to my self, hahaha who else can listen better than your own self. well there's a saying that. "it's ok if you talk to your self, but there's something wrong if you start to answer to your self" hurm i gues sometimes i do answer my self like, whn i ask "how's ur feeling today" and i answer "sucks, as usual" hahahaha well who cares, it's been like that for all these years.. heh well there's many weird words that i've been blabbering to my self. i won't share it here, coz it's too many and too depress..

well that's all, thank you

H.A

Akira~ Change~~

Dear Blog...

Heheh still working on my new hair style, well things in process but i think i kind of screw up some part of my hair, now i can only wait for it to grow longer to cover the mistake and re-style again, for now i will hav to keep on wearing snow cap~ demmit!!!

restyle hair, re-shape body and shop for some cloth.. demmit~

H.A

Hurt

Dear blog...

Yeah i seems to be fine right? listen to songs, online... watch series and movies... and blogging... heh... laughing around...

i don't expect to feel hurt like this, i guess i've been putting too much feeling where i shouldn't do so.. well what else can you expect with me, i wont be with a girl if i don't have the feeling... heh heh to be ready to love also mean to be ready to be hurt. I knew such ending but i still go on with it, well that's me.

it's really hurt when sometimes my mind flashes memory about her, well for sure i was like =_=" what the hell when it came to my head all so sudden like that, heh, well i try to overcome it by doing something just to divert my mind, well i couldn't always been running away just like that rite? so this is what i'm doing now, express it.

did i blame her? hahaha why should i, i want to love her, even thou she not love me, well i was like thankful enough to her for letting me love her for at least for the short time. Phew sounds like i'm really pathetic, hahaha well think again, may be i am..ceh who cares, i will love who ever i wants~~ :p

well i never longing for her to love me back thou, in fact i'm kind of grateful now she finally with someone that she can be with.. well i'm not hurt coz she's with someone she want to be with, i actually hurt coz i missing her so much. I've been "disappear" my self from her not coz i hate to see her, but i'm scared i will miss her more, so now at least i just thinking of her and get over with it, that's all.

well i did thinking what if she suddenly appear if front of me? just thinking of it, my whole body feel weak and i guess i couldn't be standing of my feet, i might crumble there in front of her. so avoiding her is the best thing for me to do now. yeah i'm such a coward. my emotion is really weak, hahahaha.

well it's such a crazy thing i can love a person with just short time like that, hahaha my heart too soft.. well i guess my heart too lonely that's why i easily accept her. but i'm glad at least we still have our sweet memories together ^^

i've been hurt coz i missing her..hahahaha but it's ok, i'll become more stronger, and i wish one day my heart will be dead just like that so i wont be hurt anymore ^^


that's all, thank you

H.A

Final good bye

Dear blog...

Yup, that's it. I ve took few days to think and think and think... i guess this is my final good bye to the person, thank you for everything, and be happy. Lastly, try to make up ur mind and knw what you want ok?

That's all, thank you...

H.A

夢

dear blog...

yeah lately i've been sucked into some kind of weird dreams and just now i dream of accidentally bought some old second-hand handset branded orange. And i keep bargaining with the uncle to change to another handset =.="

and before i dream of kim ah joong star in new movie... before that i back to stage again and do some funny thing on stage.. wew~ wtf, i haven't have this weird2 dreams since i was in high school. and those dreams so real untill whn i wake and i rush to my laptop and check the info =,=" and its turn out to be... just a dream hahahahahaha..

yesterday i went to alamanda to buy some stuff, and shocked to found out that hair cream that i once use when i was in junior high still there, well it's not a famous brand just rare i think coz i didn't see that quite often~ hahahaha well i shoud give a try then coz my hair is super dry now, super damaged~ hahahaha and i guess this hair cream doesn't gave me headache, not like any other brand. ^^

hurm... i now out of pic for my blog, huhuhu should i go out and snap one? naah nvm, no mood for that, bubbye~

that's all, tahnk you

H.A

Decisions~

Dear blog....

Some how i feel like want to share this......
"my heart is for me, i once let a person into my heart, when the person left i paid the price, and next person came, for awhile and left, just the same...i paid the price for letting people come to my heart, now i shutting down everything for good, coz there's no more such miserable things call love in my heart, i gave them all away.. my body feeling light and i cannot explain what i feel now. To those who had been in my heart, i pray for your happiness, thank you for being with me.
Its not your fault for seeking your own freedom and happiness, if you were waiting for me to go, it'll take forever, hahahaha well those memories that we shared, shall be forget or not is up to u.
Now, everyday i been asking my self, "how are you feeling today?" and i answered "same as usual... "
well its not easy for me to clear all these miserable feeling inside me, but it's ok, one day it will gone just like that..."

"love ka.... i starting to hate that word.... hahaha"

that's all..thank you.

ps:no pic today... no mood....

H.A

Slip Out

yes another song. I like to express my feeling through the lyrics n melodic.
That's musique for me for sure ^^

Beck-Slip Out

I don't know since when I changed to such a cold-hearted guy.
I have to warm this frozen icy lonely heart to thaw.
I like being wrapped with warmmness more than anything else for sure.
I'm gonna make my coming days to be filled with laughter and joy.

I let myself down that I'm more cruel than I thought I would be.
I'm just a loser who ends up by caring for my soul.
I don't give my heart to no one cause I don't wanna waste my time.
I tried to love this loneliness to slip out of this lonesome hole.

Sorrow is what I hate but it's grown my sensations.
Regrets taught me how to make any hard decisions.
Peace is always by my side but I've never felt it once.
Love is not the word only for the sweet romance.


Well I'm scared, scared, scared, scared, to death.
And I'm scared to keep on going on my way.
Well I'm scared, scared, scared, scared, to death.
And I'll tell myself I'm special till the end.

Recalling my torn broken, aching heart of these long days.
And all the memories I wanted to forget for making leaps.
Recalling, breaking, aching, crying, making sure to me.
And I take all and grin at my future on the way.


I don't give my heart to no one cause I don't wanna waste my time.
I tried to love this loneliness to slip out of this lonesome hole.

Emotion Flows..

Full moon sways
Gently in the night of one fine day
On my way
Looking for a moment with my dear

Full moon waves
Slowly on the surface of the lake
You are there
Smiling in my arms for all those years

What a fool!
I don't know about tomorrow
What it's like to be
Ah~

I was sure
'Couldn't let myself to go
Even though I feel
The end

Oh my fair...
Floating like a bird that's in her wings
You are there
Smiling in my arms for all those years

What a fool!
I don't know about tomorrow
What it's like to be
Ah~

I was sure
'Couldn't let myself to go
Even though I feel
The end

Full moon sways
Gently in the night of one fine day
You are there
Smiling in my arms for all those years

Back to cyber

Dear blog...

I know... holiday still left almost 2 weeks more, and what the hell i'm doing here at cyberjaya??? hahaha well you know, base don my reason for FYP i came back early..

Hurm when i reach kl, i stay over my bro place. Yeah before that i took plane with my sister came back to kl.... it's smaller plane and shakes a lot up there.. well you know..raining and got storm up there... hehehe i listed plane is third place i should avoid.

Wake up around 9 something i sent my baby to shop....huhuhu got some problem and the guy came late.. well the guy says he wanted to check with the warranty, if the problem is covered in the warranty so i don't have to pay, but if not, may be fixing cost around rm200.. but i thinking not to fix, just grab some bluetooth headset since i don't call people so much. Well last year i think i just call only 3 or 4 people... i guess hahahaha.

Yup there's "storm" in my heart, well uneasy feeling came to disturb my heart, i told people not to think much but actually my self never stop thinking, thinking of everything. Fear to be hurt and to hurt came back to me, is it just my paranoia? am i paranoid? this fear makes me want to get far away from all people, for example now, i leave my family earlier even thou i still got more time for my holiday, i choose to stay alone here in my room... sometimes i rejecting people around me, and want to be alone and watch over people i love from far, protecting then from far... as i scared if i getting closer i might hurt them or i might getting hurt. i guess i being infected with psychological sickness am i?

when with people i love also i scared, coz when i don't have word to say, i scare she think i was bored with her or anything. that's why sometimes i say silly things and when i don't have anything to say...i worried.... shit i hate thissss!!

i don't know what to do..


that's all.... thank you....

I'm technically "Down" hahaha

H.A